Words of the ZashikiWarashi
by sakura siew-wan
Summary: ...


This is my first fic about xxxholic  
it is to do with ZashikiWarashi and her love for Yuuko, Watanuki and the AmeWarashi  
SPOILERSIF YOU WANT TO GUESS WHICH PERSON IS WHICH DONT READ THE FOLLOWING THREE LINES  
the he is obviously Wtanuki and the girl he loves is Himiwari, because of her name she is the ZashikiWarashi's enemy.  
Yuuko is the strong skeptical person and the AmeWarashi is the first one mentioned.  
This isn't much to do with the manga or anime I'm just using clamp's characters and editing them and events surrounding them.

Living for the apple white body of my tear drenched saviour

Summoning the sun and nymphet light for my utter confident

Searching upon the eve of eighteen months for the key to her acceptance

Eighteen long months of fiendish games of poisoned trickery

Formaldehyde and asbestos became the chocolate she so desperately craved

The mind became twisted and disfigured beyond measure

Chaos tainted sinner wishing for resolution yet only receiving more devilish longings.

Before I met her, I never bled, fell, felt or loved. Once my eyes set were set upon her I knew my future was set: To chase after an unobtainable phantom of sheer truth and beauty. She became the good and purity in world, a single act of acceptance from her gave me salvation, every hint she surreptitiously dropped made my mind pray that its meanings were true. She became that which directed my existence; she became that which made my life worth living. She was not a traditional deity of desire yet unlike the others, I knew in my heart it was love not lust driving me forward. Before she cut me I never once bled, before she pushed me falling was an unknown process. Before I met her, I do not think I even knew what love was.

Try as I might to replace her not a single person managed to ease my longing for her. Though god knows many have tried not a single person will be able to give me the salvation I desire. Though resented as I am for being unattached to all other life, I fear I resent this uninvited love more. I never once requested to find someone that would cause every thought and action to be influenced by someone I will constantly strive to please. If she would only love me as I love her or even consider the possibility (Again) and give it a chance I would offer my unwavering obedience and love thrice to her waiting for a single word. I am constricted by the collar she unknowingly placed around my neck; her broken leash (broken due to our constant mental labyrinthine toils.) is the only thing that can rip it off. I pray one day she will and with that singular movement once again acknowledges my adoration for her.

We once stood side by side, manipulating the other with promises of fancies and subtle jibes relating to the love passing between us. She became my owner(metaphorically of course), and I am a willing slave served her like an animal always hoping for a compliment or even the much longed for sweet caress of her callused hands. Twice we have conversed upon the aforementioned matter, twice I have confessed my love, twice we had feigned what one might call communication of an x-rated but jocular manner followed by my confessions and her views upon. The first was concluded by a promise of friendship and only that, the second was her quizzing upon my feelings and challenging them, querying about my past relations with those she knew of. This I briefly thought promising then crashed back to reality knowing that only pity made her converse in such a manner to me.

I now understand that that I have longed for is that that will destroy me. This will sound cliché but I feel it must be stated for a greater purpose: I shall strive to aid her unto happiness. I dread the thought that I may be hindering her, I do not want to be something that stands in her way and causes strife between her and those that mean more to her than I do. I can only hope that one day I can give her this yet I do not have enough courage or faith in our fragile friendship to do so. I will forever beg for her forgiveness and pray that one day I can rest without having her at the forefront of my mind.

yet there is two others I love and adore. Still I love her the most yet there are others who have caught my attentions

The one and only time I thought I could ever possibly have someone without picturing her, he fell for the one person I hate most in the world. I know I'll always have him, and I know I can always seduce him, but the thing is I know I've lost my chance to truly be with him. I turned him down because of my god forsaken pride. It's my pride that won't let me chase her nor him. What can I do? How can I live? I deney so many people because it wounds me and repulses me to be with anyone other than her or him. I know I should chase and I know I should tell them how I feel. But my only question is how can I do it? Do I go for the person I have more of a chance with or the person I love more? I swear down I'm going to hurt something if I have to be this fucking confused constantly.

Crawling, Clawing, wriggling, writheing.

Posion is permant as is the knife.

Get me a noose, get me a blade

Leave me to bleed, leave me to suffer.

Pain is my pleasure.

You are my god

Rescue me, Love me, Kiss me, Caress me

Give me what I so desperatly crave.

I know it is her that I truly love and desire, and I know I love him through process and spite. Yet I cannot end these feelings that go against every sociable rule, sometimes I wonder why must I be cursed to have such detesable feelings. Should I not love a man, a man that is everything he is not? Should I not love someone who is so much more socially acceptable than her? I only wish I could decipher my feelings, I only wish I could confess everything to her, I only wish she could reciprocate my unadorned love (for it is love, simply love). Everytime I try to move on I am picturing her, feeling as if I am betrayong her, as if I am betraying myself. I mean everyone says follow your true feelings yet they always want to be with someone socially acceptable. I kn ow there is truly one other who I know I would truly be happy with because alike to her I loved her from first word, yet she is one who finds people such as myself emotionally deformed. I hate the feelings I have for these three.

One of sun, one of moon, one of star.

Powerful of own right, voice and stance of warrior, battle hardened.

Skeptic in midst of obtuse children.

Younger and smaller, in every way beautiful, manipulative and scheming.

Clever beyong belief, talents used to gain own advantage.

One self is first for oneself

Was once the single ruler of my meagre life,

stills shines and gleams within dusk and twilight.

Yet the lunar powers though mystic stems from another.

Each can aply to the other, All similar yet all diffrentiate, despite celestial togetherness each one opposes and battles the nemesis. Father dies by sons' hand. Perhaps this shall be the same.

I love him through spite and adore each celestial being through fates and destinies. Nothing happens by accident, free will we have yet we are predetermined by the fates. I suppose I shall one day know why this terror and torture is inflicted upon me. I welcome it all the same.


End file.
